I really wanted to make a blog post to tell you guys exactly what's been going on. Well, not everything, but some things. I didn't want to make a video, and I'm actually worried to make this for a few reasons. I feel like everyone is coming out with a mental disorder video, which is GREAT. I love seeing others create videos sharing their experience and inspiring others. But the hate on these videos is what scares me. I've never been one to be afraid of hate, but being in a sensitive space I really don't think I could handle it. For someone to attack me over something like this would just cause so much anger and frustration, I don't want to deal with it. Another reason is, I don't want people to think it's for attention. Let's face it, there has been a glamorization of depression and anxiety, and other mental illnesses. I didn't want to seem like a part of it.
In case you guys didn't know, I am SAD. Well, I have SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is a depressive disorder that is affected by the seasons changing. Mine occurs in the winter every year and starts around the beginning of October and ends around my birthday in March. (I don't know if you guys remember my Vlogmas video series last year but it was particularly bad then.) I have experienced this for the last 8 years at least. This is the first year I have sought help. I told my doctor and am currently on an antidepressant. The side effects are horrible and that combined with the depressive symptoms themselves makes things quite difficult. My worst side effect from the drug is sleepiness. I could sleep 12 hours and still need to take a nap the following day, and still go to bed at 10. That has made producing videos and editing hard as you could imagine! Not to mention hanging with friends when all I want to do is sleep.
I consider myself lucky to have this particular kind of depression because I know it's temporary. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel come each Spring. It doesn't make the Fall and Winter months any easier, however. As I said before, I'm not writing this for attention or to make others feel bad for me. I just want you guys to understand making quality videos is particularly hard during this time of year, and to be patient. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still filming, I just film in my good moments, which still happen don't worry! It's not all brooding and sadness for me. (A common misconception about depression, but I'll address that in an upcoming video.)
There are some other things going on that I can't share because they involve other people, but that's been really difficult to face as well. (Yes, I'm still with Ryan.) I was thinking about continuing this blog, making it more personal almost like little journal entries through this, because as you guys know I am an advocate for journaling your emotions. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in. Also, I will be filming a general mental health video soon to kind of address the hate others have been getting for their videos, and common misconceptions about certain mental disorders. As I've learned more and more in the psychology field being at a university, I feel the need to share it with you guys!
I love you lots and lots,
Sarah
Would living in a place where it is spring like year round reduce SAD?
ReplyDeleteI suppose not - she's already living in CA...
DeleteIn Germany it's dark and grey almost the entire year :-/
It has been so great to see all those mental health videos, as someone who suffers from depression, social anxiety and generalised anxiety it's great to hear I'm not alone and get some tips from people on how to cope but yes the hate on those videos are staggering and I don't understand it at all. I would love to see videos from you about it but I understand the backlash you can get from people who just don't understand what you and others go through.
ReplyDeleteJust recently I watched a video of a beauty guru who came out the said she had depression and that for the last while it has come back as she use to suffer from it a few years ago but someone in the comments was like "how dare you say you have depression when you've clearly only been down for a few weeks, blah blah, etc. And this was from someone who says they have depression! How could anyone say something like that to another sufferer? It's terrible and disheartening.
Don't ever feel like you need to produce videos ahead of feeling better. Take all the time you need because most decent people (the people you want to know) will understand and support you getting well.
I hope you feel better very soon and I would love to read more blog entries like this as it's very informative and I'm sure it's a lot easier for you than doing a video!
Lots of hugs and good luck wishes to you! :) <3
Do you ever want to move to a tropical place where there is never winter? Then there would be no cold gloomy season! It would be like spring all year round
ReplyDeleteSome of the greatest works of arts (poems, stories, music, paintings) come from a place of darkness. <3 Hang in there Sarah! We love you!
ReplyDeletethis comment made me happy. if i were her i'd thank you. :)
Deletei lost my 19 year old son to suicide due to mental illness. i wish u the best and sending much love. i love your videos!
ReplyDeleteJournaling would be a great thing to do, I feel like we (your subs) would be able to connect with you like this. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for ur post.I like a lot the idea that u could update ur blog. Antidepressants make me sleep a lot as well. Kisses and hugs from rome. Chiara
ReplyDeletewishing you the best sarah , i know what your going through , in certain ways .
ReplyDeleteplease check out my blog i just started ! . themakeupbook101.blogspot.com
The most important thing is that you take care of yourself so do take it easy and I hope this Winter is a little easier for you. Just a thought, have you tried switching up the time you take your antidepressant at? This might help with the sleepiness.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about people thinking you are attention seeking, those people don't matter. Your honesty is what people who identify with you really appreciate.
P.S your nose piercing video brought me here, I've just realised I've fainted in public 4 times! :P
I didn't know about S.A.D before your latest video discussing it. I feel related to it, because I have the same symptoms during the summer and hotter months (which is almost every month here in Buenos Aires, Argentina).
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have the depression itself because it really comes and goes, but I hate the heat with a passion, and everything related to it, as I have since I can remember. I recently took a trip to NYC and it was Fall there, and you have no idea how happy it made me. Yesterday was a particularly hot day here in B.A and the blues came back! It's gonna be a tough 3 or 4 months, but I've been taking measures the whole year. Like new clothes to feel more comfy, mentalizing about the heat... anything I can do not to hate it so much. That's how I know it's not really depression, because I feel I can control it. I just hope I can. Most trips I take in the summer to colder places but that's not gonna happen after coming back from NYC so I may have to live inside my fridge.
Best of luck to you <3
Please do journal-like blog posts, i would love to read them.
ReplyDeleteSarah i love you ❤️ Take care of yourself xo
ReplyDeletei love you, stay strong. you're always there for me on your channel and i can watch your video's whenever i want & i want to thank you becouse of that. you meen a lot for me.
ReplyDelete